personal

Bipolar Disorder Type II (Or My Scumbag Brain)

bipolar disorder type 2 or my scumbag brain

Mind/Me: I’ve slept for 12 hours I should probably get up…and shower.

Brain: Nah, I don’t wanna. I’m not going to give you the energy to get up. Oh, oh, you think you’re going to go anyway? That’s cool. When we get in there we’ll just zone out and you’ll not do half of your shower routine anyway cause you’ll forget.

Mind: Okay then….food? Yeah, I guess I should eat breakfast now.

Brain: Yeah okay but we’re not going to eat healthy. Too much effort. You could make scrambled eggs but even that is just an extra step or two that I don’t feel like doing. You should actually go back to sleep.

Mind: *Sigh* Cereal it is. *Slowly pick up spoon and not really even have the energy to eat but try anyway. Put spoon back down. Sit there a while.* What was I doing again?

Mind: We’ll I’ve been doing okay mentally until now and I’m in college (again) so I should study and try to keep up my grades and not drop out for the millionth time.

Brain: This is going to be so fun! This is what we’ll do…you’ll read a paragraph or two and although you can do the physical act of reading just fine you won’t understand it because you aren’t really paying attention and I sure as hell ain’t going to let you commit anything to memory today…or for the next few weeks…or months…who knows? Let’s go back to sleep.

Mind: The phone is ringing. I should look at the caller ID to see if it’s a friend.

Brain: Nah, you haven’t left the house in days…you have nothing to talk about cause you don’t do anything cause you’re a big loser. Don’t answer the phone.

Mind: I could watch a movie.

Brain: I know you have interests like movies and reading and things like that but I don’t want to do anything at all. Did I mention how much I like to sleep?

Mind: I guess I should go to work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t wanna and if you make me go I’m going to give you horrible social anxiety for no actual reason. You should call off and sleep.

Mind: I’m going to fail college and lose my job soon.

Brain: Yeah, probably.

Mind and Brain: Let’s cry about it. *cries for hours*

Brain? Mind?:  But that’s okay and in fact I think your entire life is totally on the wrong course. But let’s not deal with that now…pretty soon when I feel like being hypomanic we’ll randomly quit the job and change majors in the middle of your degree…you should also buy some stuff you don’t need…that’s always fun. And we’ll do that only getting 4 hours of sleep thing cause I know how much you like that. Oh and lets do volunteer work! Lets talk fast and have racing thoughts…that’s fun…

But when I get tired of being hypomanic and you realize your life has fallen apart YET AGAIN I think we’ll be suicidal cause lets face it, you’re a huge loser…but you’ve already been awake 6 WHOLE HOURS TODAY. That’s totally a long time. Let’s go to sleep already…

MIND:  Medication only works temporarily. I really am VERY tired of living like this. Death seems like a very valid solution to what is clearly NOT a temporary problem…

_____________________________

I wrote this several years ago and found it while going through some old stuff on my computer. But I thought I’d post it because this is what it’s like living with bipolar disorder. I’m doing better now but that’s the problem, even when you are doing well you never know how long it’s going to last. It’s this dark cloud that hangs over you for the rest of your life. And you never know if that cloud is just going to stay there, or release it’s rain and completely soak you, or if it’s going to somehow morph into a tornado and ruin everything you have worked so hard to accomplish.

If you liked this post check out Myths About Bipolar Disorder.

Leave a Comment